October 10th, World Mental Health Day. The Wicked Hippie Blog is catered to numerous categories, but mainly focuses on the positive aspects of life. As we know, life is also filled with a lot of negatives. As a long time sufferer from mental health issues, I have decided to personally share my struggles on this forum. Many of my issues had surfaced because I thought I was alone in these battles, but as it turns out; that is far from the truth. This day has inspired me to share my story and hope that someone else can benefit from this blog. If you are struggling or feel alone in these battles, I hope this blog can help you in some way.
In school, I was never really a target for bullying. Of course I have experienced it because what kid hasn’t, but for the most part I was liked by everyone and floated around my grade schools with no care in the world. However, mentally I was sitting inside a room tucked away in the corner facing anxiety and minor depression. Let me be the first to tell you, tucking away mental issues ends up against your favor. In fact, I was mostly oblivious to the situations I was facing because I chose to ignore it. As a young teen, I had a severe fear of failure and letting people down – particularly my family. At the time, I had thought that anxiety and or depression was a sign of weakness and something that is a disgrace. I walked around time after time with a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye.
Coming into my mid teens, my anxiety and depression had been slipping through my fingers and coming out in terms of anger. I was angry at people who were too close to me. Angry at people who had everything in the world. Angry at the people who even looked at me wrong. I was losing control of the things that I had been so ashamed of and for that, my parents became more ashamed of me. Outburst after outburst and saying things I greatly regret now, my parents were unhappy with me as their child. It was at this time that I had also been experimenting with cutting. At first I did it because that’s what seemed like everyone was doing. Then more cuts turned into more cuts because it had felt good. It felt good to let go of the pain that I had been holding inside. After a while, it felt like I had things under control. I was feeling better now that there was a way to release the pain I was feeling inside. Then I hit bottom.
I had made a reckless decision when I was younger, and I almost lost someone I cared deeply about and had got caught lying to my friends. After this, I had wrote a note saying that I didn’t deserve anyone or anything. That after all that I had done, I would be better off in the ground. My friends ended up turning in the note and I was sent to the guidance counselor office and then sent to a professional therapist. Depression was something that I had fought with, but I have never been suicide, for which I am eternally grateful for. The note, at the time, had been a plea to my friends but had been taken to a level I never thought would. Although I only had a few sessions because I was never suicidal or severely depressed, the sessions did help me gain a better understanding of my problems. I had anxiety so severely that I suffered from minor depression.
The anxiety that I faced was because I was so afraid to fail and let myself and others down that I was anxious all the time of making a mistake. Then, senior year had arrived. Our Senior project was one that focused on our mental illnesses. We were required to dig deep into ourselves and find what was keeping us from truly being happy. Mine of course was my anxiety. To this day, and I am now a junior in college, I still suffer with that portion of anxiety, but have come to realize that my anxiety is actually social anxiety. Afraid to go into public because of what people would think or if I would make a mistake, I would avoid going out and doing things that a person in their late teens would enjoy. So I became a homebody because that is my comfortable place.
Today, as a 21 year old adult and a junior in college, I have better learned how to deal with the social anxiety. I have found an assortment of activities that I am passion about. I attend concerts every month, travel, go to music festivals, go to bars, and hang out more by myself. Unfortunately, I do have moments where I stay inside all day long because I am so ashamed of who I am. So anxious about what people will say. There are days where I even turn off all of my social media because I don’t want them seeing any of my posts and judging them. Anxiety is something that can be a burden in your life. It can be hard to function with such a disease and the same goes for depression. However, they can be easier to live with. Get the help if you need it and don’t be ashamed. I was going to therapy for the wrong reason, but it gave me a better understanding of what I was facing. Find happiness in the little things. It will be hard to allow yourself to do it, but it will change your battles. Lastly, give it time. I have been battling this since I was in my early teens and I am now in my early twenties. Mental illness isn’t something you need to be ashamed of. It isn’t something that can be hid and something that you can fight on your own. So if you take anything from this ridiculously long article, understand this; end World Mental Health day on a positive note. Share your story regardless if its today or 4 days from now. Share it because someone will care, someone will help you, and someone will need it.
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